I welcome you into my world. My happy bubble that I created when I was a teen.
Being judged for being yourself and made to feel like it was a bad thing for decades forces you to go into survival mode. You then learn techniques to adapt and become socially conditioned by your external environment. As you became older, you started to shed your social programming.
Fast-froward to today, I then become a blogger who has a blogger’s complex in what I do. I share our personal experiences, yet I find it difficult to share work I have been doing behind the scenes and with advocating. When I do share on my blog, I then cringe at myself.
I love sharing our days out (before 2020) and inform people of accessible places, yet on the other hand, it saddens me that I have to do this and would love a world where everywhere was accessible to all. You then understand how people are disabled by their social environment and face many barriers because of this.
In Deep Thought
I have been thinking a lot, in particular, for the past two years. The months where my son and I were at home shielding earlier this year has changed my life. I had nowhere to run away or hide from myself. For me, one of the hardest things to do in life is to face yourself.
The question I asked myself is: what is the cause of my anxiety?
I have a long history of anxiety, attending therapy, having conversations and blood tests to explore the reason behind this. The latest was attending Cognitive Behavioural Therapy where you pre-fill out questionnaires before attending the therapy. I fell under the category of generalised anxiety. I notice that when I am highly stressed, then all my coping strategies fail, and I then become exposed.
If you follow my blog, you will know that I am dyslexic. When I became more educated about dyslexia, it was this year, in terms of understanding it as a cognitive spectrum. Followed by asking my son and partner questions about myself and my behaviour. Followed by tracing back my childhood by listening to my mum about me growing up.
Anyone who knows me, I am always on the go; and a fast talker with no filter and unintentionally interrupt in conversations. A few people have told me many times in adulthood that I am “stubborn.” (I like to call this being strong-willed and is a valuable life skill). Being slightly older, I am in my late thirties, so this is me. I do not notice unless someone points it out to me. I have had people say to me that they think I have ADHD before.
After discovering many articles on dyslexia, one in particular I found interesting, which was about ADHD and dyslexia frequently overlap. The article was thought-provoking, so I continued to search for more information. Knowing what I learnt now, I started to read about ADHD could be misdiagnosed as anxiety.
Could I be wrong about this? Maybe. I was going to wait until next year to write this post, hoping by then I would have completed an assessment. Honestly, it has been stressing me out, and I could not hold it in any longer. Plus, I feel that as a blogger who informs, it is a useful way to document my experience.
So, I have concluded to help me answer many questions that I have about myself. I plan on getting an assessment for ADHD next year. Either way, I would like to know the outcome.